We decided as a family to put down our family cat, Jersey, last weekend. I have three children who have grown up with always having her around, so needless to say there has been grief. Since it was a scheduled appointment with the veterinarian we all had our chance to say goodbye before I left for the clinic. My middle child Noah, 8 years old, said he wanted to accompany me and Jersey. I hesitated at first knowing how difficult this would be for all involved, but after thinking it through, I agreed to take him and we left. What I quickly assessed in my mind to help get me to this decision was first looking at my partner for his feelings on the matter, remembering that death is a part of life, and it’s okay to feel difficult emotions.
Throughout the whole process my son was crying and consoling Jersey. There were more than a few times I asked him if he wanted to step out and simultaneously questioned my decision to bring him to this painful event. He tearfully declined each time and stayed with Jersey the duration of the appointment. I had several thoughts happening at the same time – this is too much for an 8 year old and he shouldn’t have to be here for this and then a follow up thought of well, life is painful and beautiful and experiencing this sadness is a natural part of life. Noah and I left the clinic tearful, together, and grateful for Jersey’s life with us. What commenced at home after was several hours of tears and discussion around life and death and practicing compassion towards ourselves and each other for feeling sad.
This experience of having Noah with me and witnessing all my children sobbing throughout the whole weekend was a tough, but an incredibly healthy experience. Often in our practice as psychotherapists we witness and hear stories of clients and family members wanting to stop and avoid difficult emotions. This may be something the person is aware of, but oftentimes it is our reflection as providers that this is in fact occurring. Emily Nagoski, author of the book Burnout, discusses this at length. Not being able to sit with uncomfortable emotions can look like an array of behaviors including but not limited to – substance abuse, disordered eating (restricting and bingeing), spending money, self injury, doom-scrolling on the phone, working too much, and sleeping too much. How we define “too much” is for another article.
Often, “the most difficult feelings, rage, grief, despair, helplessness – maybe too treacherous to move through alone,” said Nagoski in Burnout. These difficult feelings can often be covered up by more comfortable or safe emotions like anger and resentment. Additionally, “self-compassion is an incredibly powerful tool for dealing with difficult emotions” according to Kristin Neff in her book entitled “Self Compassion.”
It’s okay to be uncomfortable and experience feelings and events that trigger discomfort. We often underestimate how capable we are and overestimate how hard something will be.
What Would Your Therapist Say about experiencing difficult emotions?
- Take notice of the physical sensation and the location of the emotion in your body – for example anger can often be experienced as clenching fists or jaw
- Tell yourself it is okay to feel this way and give yourself time to sit with the emotion and experience it like a wave – intensity will peak and then dissipate.
- Not all feelings are facts just as not all thoughts are facts – sometimes we need to give ourselves time to settle into our rational mind to review the situation at hand.
- Journaling, talking / processing , hugging or movement can be a way for the body to process and allow the emotion to move through you
- “Our brains evolved to be highly sensitive to negative information so that the fight-or-flight response could be triggered quickly and easily in the brain’s amygdala” (Neff, K. pg 110 of Self- Compassion)
- Call your therapist! Of course we would suggest this – and hopefully you knew this one too!
A week later, we are all still feeling grief, but the tears have subsided and our memories will live on. While painful things happen in life, there is a roadmap to taking care of oneself and allowing the emotions to live through their life cycles.
Using the feeling wheel can help us become more introspective about our emotions and help to communicate clearly to ourselves and others what is going on with us.